Sunday, September 22, 2002

Wow, I have not blogged here in soooooooo long... I'm so sorry sticky.rice! So much going on this semester, I've neglected my own website as well. Today I have some time to myself since I finished my program (I think)... I mean, it works for the most part and I don't know what else I'm supposed to check for so I'm not really in the mood to do more checks. Maybe later. I've already handed it in just to be safe (I'm allowed to override it if necessary).

You know, sometimes I feel so out of place, like I don't quite belong anywhere. I have few close friends and have thought about moving to Thailand in the past and try living there. But then I thought, I wouldn't fit in there either. I'm Thai by blood and heart but I'm a born and raised American. I suppose living in America isn't all bad because it's such a melting pot, and everyone is different. I just don't like some of the foreign policies and how America is like this big policeman acting as if we should be in everyone's business. Living in Thailand, they really just stay out of everyone's way and live the way they want to, not butting into other's business unless it really concerns them. I don't know. I guess I'm not completely happy with the way my life is right now. I need a boyfriend lolz... Someone to take my worries and fears away, or at least not allow me to dwell on them. I need a distraction :)

I made a new layout for my website. You can visit it here: http://studio319.net

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

something i wrote on my other blog.. i wanted to share it with everyone...

something i wrote earlier today...

you will always stand tall

Today marks one year. I dont want to call it an anniversary, but today just marks one year. I woke up not knowing what today was. I hopped into the shower and got dressed and while I was geting ready for school I turned on the radio and I heard that there was no music, but the names of the people who were killed that day. My heart became heavy and my chest tightened and i felt tears forming in my eyes. I guess that I wanted to forget this day and just think of it as if it was just another day in the year. As I walked to the train station, I bought a newspaper and waited for the train. I was surprised that at 9am there was hardly anyone on the trains. When I got to hunter, there was hardly any people there. The ambush of smokers have taken the day off and the elevators just made 5 stops.

When I got home an hour later, I found my parents eating and watching the ceremony that was being held at "ground zero". The ground was plowed and you would have guessed that they were making a parking lot if you didnt know what happened a year ago and what stood tall that day. There was a picture of a policeman sitting on a box and had this sad yet expressionless face. People squatting near a wall and their faces burried in their hands, People holding pictures of the loved ones that were lost and never found. Babies being held and not knowing what is going on and the wind blew... picking up dust. People on the ramp walking to the site to show their respect being covered by this light dust. It reminded me of what happened a year ago. all the things I wanted to forget just came back when I saw the people walking in the dust. The cool breeze blew as the people were saying the names of the victims, civilians,officers, men, women, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, wives, husbands, friends, loved ones... A chill goes down my spine and once again my heart is heavy and my chest tightens.. i wish this day would be over so I dont have to relive these feelings again.

Saturday, September 07, 2002

Trying to find ways to make songs fit the soundtrack of your life is pretty fun. Right now I'm listening to Usher - Seperated. This song is a beautifully written song. The lyrics just touch your heart. I guess that this can describe the one person who I guess you can say "Broke my heart". I dont blame him for it. It was also my fault. "If love was a sport then we're not on the same team, you and I were destined to lose" I love the way music can make you feel better. I always say that Music expresses the words we cant speak. I think I need to work on my quote but you get the point. Yesterday my friends and I were discussing "Love boat" its a boat that takes i think people in the age range of 18-25 on a trip to Taiwan and there people would hook up and find the "Love of their life". I wonder if it is possible to find the love of your life on a boat. I never understood the whole concept of "Love" maybe its because I've never been in love before, or maybe I've been protecting my heart a little too well. All I do know is that I want to fall in love. I dont understand how I can be a hopeless romantic and someone who thinks with their head. It sounds like an oxymoron!

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Find a way to face your fear. Find a way to jump in head first. Dont think about the consequences. Go ahead and break your heart, crack your head open. Find different ways to make you cry. There are reasons why I put up defenses. I dont leap in head first, I test the waters first.

People who are logical are the ones that protect themselves, people who think with their heart are the ones to fall in love. too bad I dont listen to my heart.